Leaving Cissa
by stealingETERNITY
Summary: I had been right. Marrying Lucius had changed me already. I wasn’t a carefree girl any more. I’d become Narcissa Malfoy.


"Cissa, don't cry."

I know it's probably the last time she'll call me that. My own sister, Andromeda, not calling me by my nickname that I'd adopted years ago, as a child.

I wondered what I was getting myself into. Lucius was a Death Eater. At his worst, he had the mind of a sick man. But I knew that he could be kind. On the rare occasion.

I didn't want to marry him, didn't want to have to open my home to _him_- the Dark Lord. Although I loved children, I didn't want to have Lucius's child only to have he or she become a monster. No one had forced me to marry him, though. I'd agreed to marry him when he had charmingly taken my hand and asked me to be his wife. I'd even been _happy _when it happened. Now I'd had the chance to think about it, and I wasn't as fascinated by the idea as I had once been.

But most of all, I didn't want to have to change. Change was a terrifying thing. Once I took on the Malfoy name, much more would be expected of me. Never again would I take carefree walks through the woods behind my family's home. I wouldn't be able to see my sister- who was hugging me fiercely now- without being punished.

I know it's the last time I'll see Andromeda. She's seeing Ted, a Muggle-born. Talk is already flying about the two of them, how it's a disgrace to family. She's going to be burned off the family tree and seeing her will be forbidden.

If I weren't marrying Lucius, I'd break the rules and see her anyways. But I don't know what will happen if Lucius finds out. It'll spread and reach the Dark Lord, and I'll face a punishment worse than death.

There's a deep tolling sound outside the window. I look away from my pale, shaking hands and look out at the gardens, where the wedding will take place in mere minutes. I feel as if I'm in a dream, none of this is happening; I'm not going to get married, not at so young an age.

"Cissa, it's time."

I look at my sister, blink back the tears and try to swallow the enormous lump lodged in my throat. She's lovely in her dress, almost prettier than I am. I turn to the mirror and look at myself. My skin is pale, nearly as pale as my white wedding gown. The idea of wearing a Muggle dress to Lucius's and my wedding is ridiculous. How can a Muggle hating society insist that a pureblood bride wear a traditional Muggle dress to their wedding? It doesn't make any sense, at least not to me.

My hair is loose, curling softly around my face, softening my sharp features. I've been told that my beauty is of a different kind. It's the cold kind, the sharp kind. I wish I could have Dromeda's brown hair and brown eyes, not my own white-blond hair and striking blue eyes. They set me apart from everyone else; make me more noticeable, more… _desirable_. It's why I've been chosen to marry Lucius. Why I get to be the trophy, the prize for the loyal Death Eater.

Warm hands grip my icy ones. I look up into my sister's face. She's worried; about me, about herself, about Ted and what will happen to him when she's disowned from the family.

"Cissa," she says. "Be strong. I know you can."

How does she know these things about me? How can she know me better than I know myself?

"I don't know if I can," I whisper. I look at our entwined fingers. Soon, there will be a ring on mine. It will be extravagant of course, the best that money can buy. That's how Lucius is. He _needs_ the best of everything. And I'm the best candidate for his wife.

For the first time in my life I find myself wishing I were ugly. If I could trade my good looks for someone who loved me, someone to have a family with…

"Cissa, you _can_. I know it's seems like the end of- of _everything_, but trust me, it's not."

I sniffled a bit, glancing at my reddening face in the mirror. I've never been very strong, physically or mentally. But I have to be now.

I see my sister's hands reaching behind her, grasping something I can't see. She pulls a wreath from behind her back, a wreath I know she made. It's more like a crown than anything else, made of braided flowers and pinned with roses. It looks wild, but when she places it on my head it's beautiful, the untamed appearance softened by the white roses and my wavy hair.

With a final sob I fling my arms around her, hating myself for not being strong enough to stand up to Lucius and not marry him, hating myself for not having the courage to get myself disowned so that I can still see Andromeda.

"It's okay, Cissa," she tells me, patting my back gently. For a minute we stand there, our arms around each other, hold each other close, holding each other together in the hope that we won't break down crying and shatter completely.

When she tries to pull away her hair gets stuck in the crown she made me and we both giggle. We are stuck, held together by her last parting gift to me. Finally she manages to untangle herself. A final kiss is placed on my forehead, my hands are squeezed one last time, and then she is gone.

Alone in the room, I stare at myself in the mirror. I see Cissa. A young girl with trivial worries. I know that the next time I look in a mirror I won't see that young girl anymore. Outside, the bells toll again. Taking a deep breath, I turn away from my past and begin the walk to the gardens, to my future.

The wedding passes quickly, much too quickly. I want to savor my last moments as the person that _I _want to be. But all too soon I have said my vows and a ring- as remarkable as I'd thought it would be- is on my finger and I have kissed Lucius after being instructed to do so by the Ministry official who is conducting the wedding.

And all the time, I haven't seen my sister. I hope that she left, so that she won't have to see me lose myself to a servant of the Dark Lord. But yet I wish that she is still here, that she stayed to watch me get married and finally grow up.

Lucius pulls me out of my thoughts and into his arms, showing me off to his friends, who I know are Death Eaters as well. I'm a prize, just like I knew I'd be.

Hours later I'm standing in his room, terrified. I don't love him. I don't want to have his children. My crown from Andromeda is still on my head, although tipped at a slight angle. He enters the bedroom and I tremble with fear. His fingers play with my hair as he whispers things that I know he doesn't mean.

In the morning he is gone, his side of the bed cold. He's already been gone for hours. I spot my wreath of flowers on top of an armchair, hidden in the shadows. It doesn't belong there. Anything given to me by my sister belongs in the light. I take it from its resting place and head outside, my nightgown causing me to trip and nearly fall.

Deep within the mazes of the garden I find a fountain. I've never seen it before, and I've wandered the gardens many times. There's a stature rising from the water, looking curiously like my sister. The likeness is almost exact. I step over the wall of the fountain and stand in the water, knee deep. My nightgown is soaked but I don't care.

Reaching up, I gently place my crown of flowers on the statue's raised head. Satisfied, I step back out of the water and save the image of the statue to memory, knowing I'll probably never see it again. Slowly, I make my way back to the manor.

I pass a mirror on my way in and stop. I look at myself, wondering if a day can really make a person so different. I had been right. Marrying Lucius had changed me already. I wasn't a carefree girl any more. I'd become Narcissa Malfoy.

Cissa had been left behind.


End file.
